Alzheimer’s + Art
Those of you who have been reading my blog over the past few years may remember that my mom died two years ago - May 22, 2006 from Alzheimer’s. The summer before she died she spent a lot of her time outside in the garden creating little portraits of nature. She would line up seed pods, pine needles, dried-up flower heads. She would organize twigs, dirt clods, and flower petals. Very little escaped her artistic eye. Two pieces of milky white glass became juxtaposed with a wood chip; a row of tiny rocks stretched for two and a half feet in the coarse red soil. Shriveling succulent leaves were lined-up like soldiers along the edge of the walkway.
Unfortunately, Mom’s seemingly endless organizing of objects annoyed us quite a bit. She would crouch in the hot Sacramento sun, refusing to eat, drink, go to the bathroom, wear a hat or do any of the sensible things that we asked of her. She would spread out her plant fragments across tables where we needed to sit and eat and become angry with us when we swept them into a box to clean up.
Thankfully, by chance or luck, I saw something beautiful in what she was doing, and I started to photograph her little designs whenever I could. I was at her house almost every weekend that summer, and I was always excited to see what she had created while I was gone. Sometimes her artwork was easily spotted near the front door or in the middle of a lawn chair. Other times I had to go a little further into the garden - beneath the peach tree, in the wet dirt, or near a favorite plant - to find them. I tried not to let her see me taking pictures; I’d wait until she went into the house or took a nap, and then I’d run around to all the spots I’d seen and take pictures as fast as I could before she came outside again.
I felt sneaky and excited about what I was capturing, but I never felt that it would end, that she would stop making them. Of course she eventually did, and I forgot about the pictures as her condition worsened and we had to concern ourselves with doing things to keep her alive, like coaxing her to take a few sips of water or a few bites of pudding.
She would sleep in the lounge chair in the dining room, and I, exhausted but afraid to leave her alone in case she woke up and needed me, would sleep on the carpeted floor with a balled-up sweatshirt as a pillow. Sometimes I would wake up and see her awake too, and watching me. And she would smile, and I would remind her of who I was.
Last Christmas I finally took all the pictures I had taken and organized them and made a movie of them using iMovie. There were over a hundred images, so the process was a bit daunting. But going through them made me feel close to her again. I worked on fade-ins and fade-outs and scan and pan settings. This was my first time using iMovie, so I made a lot of mistakes as I worked to get things just right. I added just the right music and burned the movie on cds for my sisters, dad, and aunts. We watched it together at Christmas on my dad’s super big TV.
I don’t know what kind of reaction I expected from my dad, but I didn’t anticipate how emotional he became. I felt bad that I had brought up all these feelings again and I hugged him and apologized. But he told me that he was grateful. He had never realized that I was photographing these things and he said that he never saw them as art, the way I had. It made him sad to realize that he hadn’t appreciated what my mom was doing that summer. But how could he? He was just trying to cope with her illness and keep her healthy for as long as he could.
If you’d like to see the movie, just click on link below and it will open in a new window. The movie is just over fourteen minutes long and can take quite a while to load, so go get a cup of coffee or a glass of wine while you wait. The first time I tried to play it over the Internet I thought it wasn’t working and almost gave up. I started doing some drawing and suddenly I heard the first song start to play, and there was the movie, playing on my computer.
I hadn’t watched the film since December, and even though I watched it at least fifty times as I put it together, I still find it difficult to watch without hurting inside a little bit. Of course I still miss my mom a lot. But some days go by when I don’t, and I try not to let myself feel bad about that.
The reason why I wanted to share this movie I made with all of you is because so many of us have parents, brothers, sisters with this awful illness of Alzheimer’s. Maybe one of them is creating something beautiful and you can’t see it through your sadness and despair and the day to day struggle to survive. We get so busy taking care of this person we love who is disappearing before us, that we forget to see the little joys that might just be found in some tiny thing that person is doing and that we discount because of his or her illness.
In the little cd booklet I made to go along with this movie, I wrote: . . . Mom’s love of nature and her artistic impulses outlasted most of her other memories, even her memory of me. I believe that these portraits of small, fragile, often overlooked fragments of nature were her last great gifts to us. I want to share those gifts with whoever is willing to accept them.
Music:
“Dante’s Prayer” by Loreena McKennitt
“Watermark” by Enya
“Breathe Me” by Sia
July 29th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
I don’t remember how I stumbled across your blog but I’ve been peeking in on you for a little bit now. I just wanted to stop in to say that these photographs and the movie you made of them is one of the loveliest and most inspiring things I’ve ever seen. What a beautiful tribute to your mother, and you’re right - the fact that you were able to recognize the gift of it while it was happening was such a blessing. Thank you for sharing this.
July 29th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
You’re very welcome, Kelly. I’m glad you enjoyed it and that it actually can be seen on someone else’s computer besides mine!
July 29th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
I came across your blog a while ago and often pop in to read unseen. This entry though I felt i had to say - Well done. I am so glad you recognised what she was doing and took some photos. I am sure your Mum appreciates that you did. What a wonderful tribute to her.
July 30th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
How beautiful and relaxing as well. Congratulations on a project well done!
July 31st, 2008 at 8:57 pm
I just happened across your blog today. Wow! The artful vignettes your mom made are so beautiful. What a wonderful job on the movie, very moving, and as Clare said above, relaxing. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. Curious, did your mom have an art background?
August 3rd, 2008 at 10:22 pm
Wow, thank you so much for sharing this with the world.Thank you for seeing the beauty in a heartbreaking situation and taking note of your mothers journey. Thank you for sharing her blessings with the world.
Thank You
Sarah
August 4th, 2008 at 12:00 am
This was wonderful to see - it is so powerful to see how people can continue to create beauty even when they are are going through something that is devastating. You recorded something very precious. Thanks for sharing this! Kartika
August 6th, 2008 at 4:02 am
How wonderful that you were able to record your mother’s creativity. What a wonderful legacy to leave in this world. Thank you for being her beautiful artistic daughter who was able to capture her mother’s art and set it to music.
Well done for honoring your mother and her life in this way.
August 8th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
WOW. Happened to wander into your blog via a search. This is an absolutely wonderful tribute to you and your mom. I’ve forwarded it to other folks and posted in on a wiki I share with some friends. Thank you for sharing your heart. The photos are breath-taking. A walk into your mom’s creative spirit. Beautiful work.
August 10th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
A beautiful tribute to your mum, my dad had alzeimers,
so I know how hard it is to watch, but I work as an activity co-ordinatorwith people who have alzeimers and dementia related problems,I try to introduce art into my activities as much as I can,its a way for them to say something when they can’t tell us with speech,thank you so much for your clipart as it provides inspiration for what I do in my job
August 11th, 2008 at 8:43 am
The most beautiful tribute I have ever seen. My Mother has been diagnosed with alzheimers. I tape our prayers before bed and her greetings to me in the morning, and I have photographed her beautiful hands. Your Mother’s art was obviously a joy for her and now for everyone to see on the web. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing her with us.
August 16th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Thank you to everyone who has taken time to respond to this post. For those of you dealing with love ones who have Alzheimer’s, my heart goes out to you. I hope you remember to take care of your own health and spirit during such a challenging time.
Over the weekend, my sister and I were talking about the last year of our mother’s life and anticipating what may be with our father who is 81. One of the things that my mom used to do that drove us crazy was sneak food to her dog under the table while we were eating. We think she did it because - a. she was madly in love with that little dog, and b. that way there was less that she had to eat herself. My dad used to get so upset about this. And now he’s started doing it! Same little dog, too! We wonder if this is a sign . . . If it is, we’ve learned a lot about patience, letting little things go, and a lot more. So if our mother’s illness can possibly have a “silver lining,” then maybe it is that when our dad needs us, we’ll be better prepared.
Love to all of you.
~Karen
September 1st, 2008 at 2:35 am
Karen, I was moved to tears as I watched this movie. Each little creative vignette that your mother made, was beautiful. It is obvious that she loved her time in the garden. What a wonderful way to honor her, and her memory. Have you ever thought of sharing this movie with the Alzheimer Organization in your area? No telling how many lives this could touch. Thank you for sharing this very personal tribute with us.
~Roberta
September 4th, 2008 at 12:03 am
wonderful piece. My mom had early onset alzheimers which was diagnosed when she was 59. She didn’t die until 12 years later.
There are incredible break through moments for some alzheimer’s patients and sometimes families are fortunate to witness them. Your photographs are testament to that.
I can remember when my mom spontaneously started speaking italian, something she never did during my life. Another time she started singing to the hospital patient next to her. I looked up the words to the song so we could sing it together.
And yet, they are bittersweet memories…
Please do share this with your local Alzheimer’s Association Chapter, or discuss it w/ reps at the state level. You might have real distribution options for this which might make a great fundraising tool for them…
Best of Luck,
Maria
West Hartford, CT
September 6th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Karen, this was so sweet. I just found your blog because I joined the altered book group on yahoo. I loved the piece you did for your mom a few years ago. I’m struggling with coming to terms with my moms dementia/alzheimers. I often write about it on my blog and have met a lot of people through blogging that are dealing with the same. I love the images and that you saw them as art and captured them. What a lovely remembrance for your family. I’m disappointed I could not view the movie…..it would not load.
September 8th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Karen, I found your blog while searching for something else. Your movie is a tribute to your mom and it is a gift to all of us, very beautiful and touching; it gave me insight into what I experienced with my mom. She also suffered with dememtia and I fully understand your journey. I retired early to be with mom, take care of her as best I could and while it often was difficult, I have no regrets and in fact cherish the time we had together. Thank you so much!
September 17th, 2008 at 8:06 am
Karen, thank you for this incredible tribute. It has touched my soul. I, too, lost my mother to Alzheimers and dementia. She was my best friend and I miss her every day. Like your mother, she loved to garden and had an artistic eye. Thank you for bringing her back to me for a few minutes today through your mother’s art. I could feel her presence all around me as I listened to the music and watched the video. Thank you, thank you!
September 18th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
what an amazing tribute. the music was very well selected, In Dante’s prayer, whenever I hear it it reminds me of my mum too. Thank you
September 23rd, 2008 at 11:33 am
Thank you for making your webiste, I came across it by chance looking for drawings of sea shells… It has been a fountain of wealth to me.. I am a plex glass artist, using paint to reproduce stain glass but without the weight. I also sculputer with it making fish and aquatic designs. I too have a mother with Alzheimers and this tribute has made me look at her floral arrangements differently now. My mother is also legally blind with macular degeneration in both eyes.. She is a challange. Thank you for sharing your love of life.
October 2nd, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Thank you so much for sharing this personal memory with us. I am an artist, gardener and nature lover and it brought me to tears. I am going to send to my daughters because someday I may be like your mother.
Thank you again.
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:17 pm
I just happened across your blog and your alz. art movie was wonderful. It is a great tribute to your mother. To see something beautiful at a time in your life that was so hard for you and your family is inspiring to all. Thanks for sharing it with others.
October 17th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
How beautiful this is. Thank you for letting us all take part.
You are sooo lucky to have been able to see what you did and have the foresight to document it.
Your mom gave you a lasting gift…and you have passed that one to others!
I say this with tears in my eyes having lost my mom several years ago and thinking about her now.
October 18th, 2008 at 7:57 pm
What an inspiration you are. How wonderful your movie was- I just happened to stumble on it looking through your altered books- I started one back when my 6 year old daughter died and I just found it and all my supplies.. you have more than given me some inspiration so I appreciate it and your willingness to share all these moments, however sorrowful.. with all of us.
Many blessings
October 31st, 2008 at 8:47 pm
Your tribute to your mom is so beautiful. I lost my mother to cancer in 2002. I know the feeling of time slipping away. I slept by her bed side on the floor also, my sister and I huddled together. I hope your dad is in a better, happier place now. My dad still misses my mom and speaks of he every day, as we all do. Continue with your art. You are very gifted and special to share your mother’s snapshots of beauty with the world. I’m sure she is guiding you along.
Cindy P.
November 1st, 2008 at 10:41 pm
Karen these pictures are wonderful. It’s amazing how God can take the little things and our memories and love for our others and make something beautiful and meaningful out of it. I’m quite sure this was good thearpy for you. This is something you can and will cherish forever.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
Debra Gilstrap
November 3rd, 2008 at 11:57 am
Karen–thank you so much for this inspiring film. The images are so meaningful even if there was no back story. Your mother was a remarkable woman to create images like this. This is a wonderful tribute to her life. Thank you for sharing it with me. GWN
November 3rd, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Karen: I am Gary’s sister and he just sent this to me. It is the most moving inspired piece I have seen in a long time. I work in home health and hospice and wonderful souls just like your Mother are so much a part of my life. You have reminded us that there is always a God blessed spirit inside of us that continues to serve and inspire despite outward appearances. Thank you for sharing this part of your Mother’s life with all of us. God Bless…Barb
November 11th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
Karen I crossed your site about altered booken many years ago. Today I went there to copy de url to give to someone else, and came here.
The movie you did is just wonderful I didnt know your mother but I was also emotionel, so I can imagine your father and the rest of your family. You have had a great idea making this movie. Your mother looks so nice and sweet in the end.
I big hug for you
November 11th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
Karen I crossed your site about altered booken many years ago. Today I went there to copy de url to give to someone else, and came here.
The movie you did is just wonderful I didnt know your mother but I was also emotionel, so I can imagine your father and the rest of your family. You have had a great idea making this movie. Your mother looks so nice and sweet in the end.
A big hug for you
November 13th, 2008 at 11:57 pm
Hi. I help take care of my mother a few nights every week. Seeing this made me cry. I think I needed to cry but didn’t realize it. I’m trying to decide whether I should leave work to spend more time with her. Either way seems scary, for different reasons. I’m afraid of the isolation if I leave work to stay with her. I’m afraid of the potential for regret if I don’t. Thanks.
November 19th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
I am actually working on a written piece about how my father, a theater artist, made sense of his last days before his death. This is fascinating and profoundly beautiful - thank you for sharing this.
November 20th, 2008 at 11:59 am
Karen, This was the most beautiful post and tribute I’ve read in such a very long time. Your movie was so moving and I can see the incredible art your mom made. I lost my dad to Alzhiemer’s 8/16/2007 at the young age of 68. He’d only been diagnosed 5 years earlier. At that time, I did not pick up on the wonderful things he was trying to tell us. After seeing your movie, I look back and see a lot more. Have you considered having prints made and doing something with them to raise money and awareness for the Alzheimer’s association? That along with your story, I believe would really touch the hearts of others.