During the summer of 2005 my mom started to do unusual, compulsive things as a result of her Alzheimer’s. One of the things she did for hours on end, was to dead-head the flowers in the garden and put the seeds, pods, leaves, stems, and blossoms into arrangements everywhere. I told my sisters that she was trying to make order out of chaos. Everything she touched became a work of art, so I started photographing what she had done. I will post those here occasionally.

---

So my husband, my son, and I went for a quick visit to my dad’s. I can’t help but miss my mom when I’m up there. I can’t believe it’s only been four months since she died. Sometimes it feels like forever ago; sometimes it feels like she was just in the room.

I am a fairly early riser usually. And I like to stay up late as well. So once in a while, I take a mid-afternoon nap to try to catch-up with my sleep. But last Saturday, as I sat on the couch reading a magazine at about 11:00 a.m., I started to feel my eyelids get heavy, and soon stretched out and fell asleep — which is a very strange thing for me to do. While I was asleep I had the same dream about my mother – twice.

I was sitting at the dining room table drinking orange juice from a coffee cup, alone in the morning quiet. Mom walked into the room wearing her green velor robe and smiling at me. Her hair had been newly done and looked vibrant auburn and neatly styled — not the way she looked in the last few months of her illness when we could barely get it washed and combed. I looked up at her, and she smiled at me, and I started crying. I felt as though my whole body was shuddering with my sobbing. She reached across the table and held my had. “I miss you so much,” I said to her. She didn’t say a word to me, just pulled me from my chair and put her arms around me. Even now, a week later, I can feel the feeling of her slender but strong arms wrapped around me, holding me close. I was crying in her arms as she stroked my hair.

You know what it’s like when you have a nightmare that you want to escape and you force yourself to wake up just a little or you roll over to interrupt the images? That’s what I did. But I didn’t wake all the way up. Instead I had the exact same dream for a second time.

At the exact same moment, I forced myself awake — all the way this time. My husband was sitting in the recliner next to me watching football. “Did I say anything in my sleep?” I asked him.
“No,” he replied. “Why?”
“I just had the strangest dream.” I was so surprised that I hadn’t been crying in my sleep. My body felt achy, like it does after a good cry, and I just couldn’t shake the image and the touch of mom out of head. And I still can’t.

Feng Shui :: The Chinese art of positioning objects in buildings and other places based on the belief in positive and negative effects of the patterns of yin and yang and the flow of chi, the vital force or energy inherent in all things.

It is hot, hot, hot!! In my attempt to keep cool in my non-air conditioned house, I’ve taken to wearing a cold, wet hand towel around my shoulders. Kind a damp shawl, if you will. Exhausted from the heat yesterday, I lay down on the carpet next to the big fan and fell asleep. It reminded me of when I was little, and, if it was really hot, I’d sleep on the cool linoleum tiled floor in my bedroom. In the early morning hours I’d start to feel cold, but being half-asleep, instead of climbing into bed and pulling up the covers, I reach over and grab the throw rug and pull it on top of me. In the morning I’d wake up with dust bunnies and cookie crumbs from under the rug stuck to my skin and hair. Not a pretty picture. The amazing thing is, that my body didn’t even mind sleeping on a solid, hard floor. If I tried that now, I probably wouldn’t be able to walk the next day!

So what do I decide to do on the hottest day of the summer so far?? Clean out my studio/office, of course. My husband has been bugging me to rip out the disgusting, once beige, now gray carpet. It took me a long time to work up the courage to go through this process. I have to move everything out. What a job. So I decided if I was going to to do that, I would do a little (major) decluttering along the way. Because frankly, I just have too much crap. But my problem is, especially when it comes to sorting out my books and magazines, it takes me twice as long to do anything because I have to flip through every book/magazine/notebook that I encounter along the way.

What’s this? A journal from 1980 – 82?? Wow, what a trip. Yes, I’ll just have to read a few pages, and a few more, and two hours later I can put it in the grocery bag marked “save.” Actually, I think I should put it in a locked box labeled “Destroy after Karen’s Death,” because I do not want any of my relations looking through that thing!

I bought a book a few years ago called De-cluttering the Feng Shui Way, or something like that. It was very interesting. I didn’t buy all of the philosophy (especially when they started talking about uncluttering your body and the importance of daily, free-flowing bowel movements), but one thing really got me. The book said that all the junk we accumulate is because we live in fear. We fear that if we throw something out, we’re going to need it the next day. BINGO! That’s me to a T. But hey, this happened to me just the other day. I tried to de-clutter that narrow space between the refrigerator and the wall and put all the old accumulated brown paper bags in the recycling bin. Three days later, I needed them to help me de-clutter my office. Isn’t that always the way? I wonder what Feng Shui afficinados would have to say about good old Murphy’s Law?

I’m going to Home Depot to look for some cheap, stick-on vinyl tile for the floor. Now if I could just bring myself to unhook the computer . . .

Found Object Sculpture -Vision of Light

Want to feel young again? Go to a rock concert!

I had the good fortune to be able to go to two concerts in just over two weeks this month. The first one I went to was at the Greek Theatre in Berkeley where my husband and I saw the amazing Mark Knopfler with Emmylou Harris. Michael and I are Dire Straits fans from way back. And one of my favorite albums of all time was an album of Harris’s — I’ve forgotten the name, but I can picture the cover. (I just tried to find the title on iTunes, but it wasnt’ there!) I played that record till I wore the grooves right through. And when I accidentally left it in my car and it melted, I bought another one — the only time in my life I’ve ever done that.

Now I’m not a big (or little) fan of country music, but when I heard “This is Us” from Knopfler and Harris’s new CD All the Road Running, I knew I had to have it. And when I found out they were coming to town, I knew we had to go. So the tickets were my Father’s Day present to Michael, and his Mother’s Day present to me.

The music was awesome. The sound was clear as crystal and the harmonies made me feel like I was in a church of music. The only downside was the seating. The people who built the Greek Theatre really took those Greek ideas literally. Unless you can afford to buy the primo seats down front, you end up sitting in a concrete amphitheater. Luckily, I had experience there and brought some seat cushions to sit on. We were packed in shoulder to shoulder and toe to butt. Bleacher style seating really does a number on my back these days. I was really feeling my age. Funny, but I don’t remember my back bothering me during the Eurhythmics concert at the same venue twenty years ago. Still, the music, the guitar, the back-up musicians were all so talented. It was a wonderful night.

Now imagine me going to see Nine Inch Nails at the Shoreline Amphitheater in Mountain View. I’m a new fan of NIN and don’t know a lot of their older songs. I know some die-hard fans think their latest CD is the weakest, but I absolutely love it. I’m sure if I play “The Hand That Feeds” or “All the Love in the World” one more time, Michael will divorce me. So I just close the door . . . and crank it up. When I heard they would be playing here, I hemmed and hawed over the ticket price, and then gave in and bought four tickets. I thought my sons would jump at the chance to go see them, but I had to practically drag my youngest son and my nephew to go, and my oldest son, the one with the mohawk/piercings/leather/tatoos bailed on me the night of the concert.

Well, I had the best time I’ve had in a long time. The Knopfler/Harris concert was great, but the NIN concert got me out of my seat and shaking my 49 year old bootie more than I have since before I got married! Everyone was rocking out in their little seat space. Not only was the music great, but so was the people-watching. Whereas the Knopfler/Harris audience was made up mostly of people around my own age wearing jeans and suede jackets and fashionable shoes and glasses so we could see, the Nine Inch Nails concert was full of young and old punkers wearing black leather, black fishnet (on top and bottom), black corsets, pink hair, piercings, black eyeliner, and enough tatoos to cover a quilt thrown over the stage. It was fantastic! I may have been one of the oldest people there, but I felt as though I was in my twenties again. If you haven’t been in a while, I highly recommend going to a good rock show for its theraputic value!